It happened again. Someone emailed to sell me something. Nothing wrong with that. But if you’re sending a pitch letter, demonstrate your competence—NOT your incompetence.
My correspondent was selling press release writing and distribution. I’ve written hundreds of press releases for my clients, my own business, and community groups—but don’t do the distribution part. So, bingo–this email got opened…Ugh!Take a look at the first two paragraphs. What issues do you notice? (Scroll down to see the ones I spotted.)

For Press Release needs and more, we provide your business with comprehensive solutions. We have worked with hundreds of businesses around the world. We have worked with companies of all shapes and sizes, addressing such needs as Targeted Media Distribution, Web Distribution, and even PR writing services.

In other words, will help you shape your Press Release with the best possible scope, style, and language. We then take things to the next stage by utilizing our powerhouse network of media sources.

Here’s my list:

1. The biggest red flag is in the first line of the second paragraph. That “will” should either be “we will” or “we’ll”—something 30 seconds with a grammar checker would have flagged. Who’s going to trust this organization to write a press release?
2. The writing is unnecessarily stiff (contractions would help). Having developed “story-behind-the-story” press releases that people say feel like reading a good novel, why switch to one that sounds like a job application cover letter from the 1970s?
3. It’s a perfect example of “we, we, we all the way home” copywriting. In ten lines, three “we” statements plus one missing one (see #1 above). Scroll down to see one of many ways to do it differently.
4. It suffers from excessive, inappropriate capitalization.
5. It makes me feel like the person in the picture ?

Why NOT to “we, we, we all the way home”

Copy should not be about you, your company, your brand. It should be about how you help your prospects and customers (or clients, patients, students, direct reports, etc.) remove a problem, fix a pain point, accomplish a goal, or experience something wonderful. In this example, why should a prospect care that this agency has “worked with companies of all shapes and sizes”?

(For more on why “we, we, we” usually doesn’t work—and the one situation where you actually WANT to use it, please visit this article from the Clean and Green Club archives.)

If this were my copywriting assignment, it might have looked something like this:

Have you been featured in any major media lately? Would you like be?

Media attention helps you not only get noticed in a crowded world, it builds credibility, loyalty, and a desire to be part of the “in crowd” by working with you. But too often, entrepreneurs like you fail to get that media attention—maybe their competitors got it instead.

Why? Because they don’t know how to write a press release that gets noticed and picked up.

Maybe you’ve experienced this. Have you spent hours writing a press release, sent it off with great expectations—and pffft, it died a quiet death in the trash folders of all the reporters’ email programs? Maybe you hate to write and passed the task off to an untrained secretary or intern with no marketing expertise.
And then, did you decide that PR doesn’t work? But that’s like missing your first shot at a basket when nobody’s ever showed you how to shoot one, and then deciding you’re no good at basketball.

Here’s some good news: you can have all the benefit of press coverage without having to write anything, and without dragging in people who don’t have the skills to make it work. What would it be like—how would it improve your business—to work with an experienced copywriting and distribution team that’s gotten coverage for [name two famous clients] and many others in publications and TV networks like [name three well-known media outlets where your work got your clients coverage]?

See the difference?

Oh, and by the way, this was a quick spontaneous riff. It took 20 or 30 minutes to write replacement copy to replace the real and awkward note. No research, no interviews. Just one draft.

For an actual client, of course, a lot more energy would go into it. If you think you could benefit from a press release or other marketing copy from a copywriter who understands you-focused, benefit-oriented marketing—and especially if you have a story to tell about sustainability, regenerativity, or social equity in your business—there’s room in my schedule for a couple of more clients. Learn more at https://goingbeyondsustainability.com/marketing-consulting-copywriting/ (green/social equity organizations).

PS: Because most of us have been taught to write that way, the first draft of this article contained 15 instances of the first-person singular (the capitalized letter that sits alphabetically between H and J. All but one were edited out in this draft—proving that it may not come naturally even to someone who knows to look for it, but it certainly can be done.